I Just Want To Go Home
by lindseyl0ve
Summary: What happens when James finds his friend in an awful mood and said friend refuses to open up? Kames angst.
1. Why Won't You Let Me In?

"James! You're so self-centered! It's like the only person you care about is yourself. Why can't you be more like Kendall? He's always thinking about other's before himself." The wet brunette yelled at his friend from the pool. Logan had an important lecture on the solar system that he wanted to attend in just ten minutes, and now he was soaking wet.

The two boys were walking to the pool to ask Carlos if he wanted to go bowling after Logan's lecture, but before they could do so a pink smoothie flew through the air! James jumped back just in time for the pink drink to avoid his lucky white v-neck, thus pushing Logan into the Palmwood's pool. James was thoroughly offended by Logan's comment.

"You wouldn't like me if I were like Kendall though. Y'all know I'm perfect just the way I am." The tall hazel eyed boy smirked.

"Whatever." Logan said angrily pulling himself out of the pool.

"I can even prove it! I'll act like Kendall for a whole week and we'll see how much you miss the old James."

"I don't think I'd miss the old James." Logan didn't mean what he was saying, but he was mad. And sometimes when he's mad things that he doesn't mean spew out of his mouth like word vomit, whether he meant it or not. He knew he would regret his choice words later.

James furrowed his brows, "Fine, we'll see about that." He stated. Logan shook his head, upset by the fact that he would now be at least thirty minutes late to the lecture. And the first thirty minutes of a lecture is the best part!

James angrily walked away from the Palmwood's lot.

'How could Logan say that? Hm… He was just upset. But! I can't let him be right this time. He's always right. Guess I'll have to find Kendall and… observe him… That sounds creepy. But Logan does always say that observation is key when it comes to experiments. And that's exactly what I'm doing. An experiment.' The boy thought to himself trying to feel better about the fact that he was being creepy and stalking his friend. James stood on the corner of the sidewalk and wondered where his blond friend could be. He finally decided to check the local ice rink. That's where Kendall always went when he wasn't at the Palmwood's or the studio. Or he was kidnapped. It wouldn't have been the first time. But, Hawk hadn't been harassing Gustavo lately, so that was unlikely. The tall brunette made his way to the ice rink that was a mere four blocks away from the Palmwood's. It was normally closed on the weekends because it was family owned and they took the weekends off, but Kendall had made friendly with the owner and was granted private weekend visits if he could cough up some cash to help keep shop. James opened the rink door once making his way up the small flight of stairs. The tall boy had noticed on his walk that it was a beautiful day in L.A. and wondered why his friend was inside at an ice rink instead of outside. James quietly opened the door and quickly spotted Kendall. He was in his jersey from Minnesota and was playing a bit more aggressively than he normally did. More like a lot more aggressively than he normally did. The tall boy instantly knew something was wrong. The blond only played hockey that roughly when he was pissed. James quickly remembered all the times he would try to play against Kendall when he was pissed and it always ended badly. It wasn't uncommon for the two boys to return home with bloody noses and bruised cheeks and knuckles after a bad game against each other. But once James hit puberty and grew into his chubby face he realized how pretty he was and stopped fighting Kendall. James pushed the memories to the back of his mind once he thought about how he was creepily watching his friend play hockey.

'I should probably go see what's wrong. Although it's probably about Jo. It's been weeks! He should be over her by now.' James thought while making his way down to the rink. Kendall was so into what he was doing that he didn't even noticed his friend watching him.

"Knock, knock." James said rapping his knuckles on the plexiglass window that separated the rink from the seats. Kendall straightened immediately at the sound of James's voice, out of breath.

'God, Kendall is fucking attractive when he's angry and sweaty.' James shoved the thought out of his mind.

"What?" Kendall asked his friend in a deep, low voice. James was taken aback by Kendall's tone.

"What's wrong with you?" James asked kind of rudely. It wasn't supposed to come out that way. The blond scowled at the brunette and went back to hitting the hockey puck back and forth.

"Just leave. There's no reason for you to be here." Kendall stated in a monotone, well… tone.

"So I can't hang out with my best friend? And what's your problem, dude? Please do not tell me that this is about Jo. That happened over a month ago." James retaliated making his way onto the ice. Probably not his bed idea, considering he did not have any skates on. But it wasn't James's fault that he had a short temper and could never resist an argument. Especially when it came to Kendall, who was the exact same way as James. That was why they had become such close friends, believe it or not.

The two met in Peewee Hockey when they were just shy of seven years old. Kendall was the star of the team. The best center the coach had seen in years. And then James Diamond came along. He quickly grasped the concept of the game having never played before, and soon became the new star. James could play any position and he could play like a pro. Kendall didn't like that. Not one bit. Kendall was constantly tripping James or making him miss the puck on purpose. The coach didn't like that. Not one bit. After James showed up Kendall was always put on the bench with a penalty and rarely played. Kendall was fine with that. Until the hockey coach tried making James play center position. Permanently. You can't have a center who's always benched. That royally pissed off Kendall. The sandy blond haired boy skated his way to the honey brown haired boy and punched him square in the jaw. No one had seen it coming. The two small boys fought until they were both bloodied and bruised before anyone could pull them apart. The two met again that day. In the doctor's office. Their moms fussing the whole time about how their actions have consequences. The two boys become fast friends while ignoring their mothers together while playing with the Lego blocks and small Hot Wheels cars that the waiting room had to offer. Ever since that ever faithful day the two had been inseparable, even if they did get into intense fist fights from time to time.

"James. It's not about Jo, okay? I don't want to talk about it. Just drop it, alright?"

"Why won't you tell me? Why won't you let me in? You're acting as if it is about Jo. Shutting everyone out." He asked angrily, closer to Kendall than Kendall wanted him to be. James was thoroughly upset that his best friend in the whole world didn't let him in when he was moping about Jo.

"Dude, you need to back up. I don't want to fucking talk about it." Kendall retorted, anger evident in both his eyes and voice. Kendall put one of his hands up and shoved his friend. James looked at his shoulder where Kendall had pushed him and sighed.

"Don't push me, bro." James said calmly pushing Kendall back. Kendall glared at James and shoved him with both hands. The tall brunette was infuriated by the green eyed boy's action and tackled his friend to the ice without thinking twice. The two teenage boys were quickly, and brutally, punching each other while rolling around on the ice. Kendall punched James in his three bottom right ribs at the same moment James punched Kendall in his left thigh in hopes of giving him a Charlie horse. James was now laying on his back while his friend was sitting on top of him, straddling him. James looked into Kendall's eyes that were full of raw anger. He had never seen his friend look so fucking sexy before, hair damp with sweat. Before James could process what was happening, Kendall had his lips crashing against James's. Their teeth clashed together, James was sure that he would have a bloody lip because of it. James moved a hand onto Kendall's cheek and pulled him closer, he didn't think it was even physically possible. Kendall pulled away from the kiss after what seemed like house when it was really only minutes. James instantly saw a flash of regret, shame, and sorrow in Kendall's eyes. But before James could even catch his breath his friend was already off of him and halfway out of the rink. James tried to think of what had just happened, but it was hard for him to concentrate while his jeans felt hotter and tighter than they ever had before.


	2. Like A Brick To The Face

'_What.. The fuck. Just happened?_' James thought, back still to the ice. James pushed himself off the ice and hobbled to stable ground, weak in the knees.

James had always loved Kendall. Just not in the same way he loved Carlos or Logan. It was in seventh grade when James started forming feelings for his best friend. It was sudden, but he never questioned it. Yeah, it was a little weird to suddenly be attracted to your best friend, but James was a very open minded person. James never acted on his feelings before because he always thought Kendall was straight. He was constantly winning girls over with his gorgeous voice and guitar playing skills.

James took a seat and tried to catch his breath. He was still in shock about what had happened just moments ago. He figured it would be pointless to go after Kendall now because he was probably long gone, seeing as how he ran out of the rink as though his pants were on fire.

'_Does-does this mean that Kendall might actually have feelings for me? Or… was it just spur of the moment? If he wanted to experiment all he had to do was ask! He didn't have to ferociously make out with me after punching me in the ribs._' James winced as he poked the tender spot that Kendall had decided to pick as his target. James's head was swimming with questions that made his brain seem to hurt.

'_Why does he have to be so conflicting! I mask my feelings for him for year sand then just kisses me? I don't - UGH! Thinking is for people like Logan. Not people like me who have better things to do like look pretty._' James thought, eyes full of questions, with furrowed brows. Once again. James realized what he was doing and stopped. He didn't want forehead wrinkles at seventeen. He couldn't flaw his skin like that. James decided on thinking happy thoughts after that. Happy thoughts that consisted of Kendall. Kendall's perfect emerald green eyes. Kendall's white perfect teeth. Kendall's perfect smile. Kendall's single dimple when he smirks. Kendall's laugh… Before James could get his mind off of his friend he found himself in the Palmwood's lobby. James always seemed to get lost in thought and end up somewhere completely different from where he began.

'_Hmmm, that was quick._' He thought to himself while looking around the lobby that was full of many different people. James completely forgot all about the deal he had made with Logan, to be more like Kendall. Now the only thing on his mind was how he had made out with Kendall. He also thought about what I would be like to date Kendall. To hold his hand, hug him whenever he wanted without having to think of an excuse, to kiss him, cuddle him at night. James was completely infatuated. Yet again.

"Hey there space cadet, what are you doing?" The tall boy heard a familiar voice behind him. It was Carlos. James glared at his insult.

"Nothing, just… Nothing - Hey! Have you seen Kendall around anywhere?" He asked. The smaller boy looked at him oddly.

"I think he's in the apartment. I saw him run through the lobby like his life depended on it about ten minutes ago." Carlos replied. James gave him a thankful pat on the shoulder and quickly made his way to the elevator. When James got to apartment 2J he took a deep breath before walking in. He wanted to talk to Kendall, he just didn't know how he would. The whole situation was completely awkward. James walked in and saw Kendall sitting at the kitchen bar eating a piece of toast.

"H-hey Kendall." The tall brunette stammered before closing the apartment door. Kendall quickly stiffened and dropped his toast onto his plate. James noticed that Kendall looked terrified. He had a complete deer-caught-in-the-head-lights look, which James found extremely weird.

"What?" Kendall asked cautiously. James gave him an odd look, Kendall shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He was acting like James was trying to stare into his soul.

"Nothing. I just said hey…" James replied quietly.

"Okay, hey." The blond said while standing up and making his way past James, out of the apartment.

It had been a week since Kendall had kissed James and things were just weird between them. James had been noticing that Kendall did everything in his power to stay as far away from James as physically possible while still being in the same vicinity. In the studio he would be on the complete opposite side of the room where James was standing. Whenever James entered a room in 2J Kendall would either leave the room or apartment altogether. It was as if James had the plague. James tried telling Logan and Carlos about it, but they both said that he was acting paranoid, that Kendall wasn't avoiding him at all.

'_Fine, I'll talk to Kendall about it myself._' James thought to himself after confronting Logan about his problem. James saw that Kendall was in the shower and decided that this was the perfect moment. James stood outside of the bathroom door when he heard the shower turn off, waiting to corner Kendall so he couldn't leave. Kendall opened the bathroom door and jumped back.

"James, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing? Can I get by?" he sounded scared.

'_What does he think I'm going to do? Cut him?_' James thought, hearing a hint of fear in Kendall's voice.

"Bro, why have you been avoiding me for the past week?" He asked. Kendall looked around quickly, as though he was trying to find an escape rout, but it was impossible. James had his arms going across the length of the door from blocking him.

"Wha- I- I haven't been avoiding you. N-now let me through, I have to go help Katie with a project for school." Kendall blurted, forcefully shoving his way past James's arms. James stood in the bathroom doorway in shock, mouth gapping open. He couldn't believe that his best friend had lied to his face. Of course Kendall was an excellent actor, just not when it came to the guys or Katie or Mama Knight. Kendall could never to the people who he truly cared about and James knew that. James knew virtually everything about Kendall. Except, of course, why he had been acting so weird the past week. But James going to find out. He would do everything in his power to figure out what was making Kendall act so weird.

'…_Maybe Kendall actually really likes me and is acting this way because he's in love with me and is bad at showing his emotions. That has to be the reason he's acting this way! I mean, I'm hot and everyone wants a piece of this so he probably thinks I wouldn't go for him when I have so many other options. There's really no other reason why he'd be acting like this. God, I'm so dumb sometimes. I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out._' The thought hit James like a brick to the face. A smirk instantly formed on his face when he thought of it. James rolled his eyes and sat down on the apartment's orange couch think of ways he could serenade Kendall to show that he to had feelings for him.


	3. I Want To Hold Your Hand

'_This cannot possibly fail! I am a genius.' _The tall brunette smiled to himself holding an acoustic guitar in the Palmwood's elevator. For the past three days he had been practicing how to play 'I Want To Hold Your Hand' by The Beatles on one of the many guitars in apartment 2J. He was going to play it for Kendall hoping that it would win him over and Kendall would confess his love for him. At least, that's how James saw it playing out.

"Camille, have you seen Kendall?" James asked as the elevator doors open and he spotted the petit brunette standing in front of him.

Camille nodded her head with a smile, "He's at the pool with Logan and Carlos."

"Thanks!" The tan boy replied, grinning from ear to ear, happy that he wouldn't have to walk all over the Palmwood's lot looking for his friend.

James existed the Palmwood's lobby and quickly spotted the blond sitting with Logan and Carlos.

"Hey guys!" James exclaimed, smile plastered on his face. Logan, Carlos, and Kendall all turned their heads toward him, all looking confused as to why he was holding a guitar. After the moment of confusion Logan and Carlos gave him a smile, Kendall sat there like stone.

"Hey buddy, what's with the guitar?" Logan asked pointing at the instrument.

"Oh, I actually wanted to talk to Kendall about it. I uh… Have been working on a song and I'd like your opinion. Since, you know, you know so much about guitars and you're always playing and always writing your own songs. I figured you'd know what sounded best, and.. Yeah." The boy rambled quickly, finally stopping for air. Kendall's back went rugged and he gave James an awkward look, like he wasn't sure if it was a trap or not. Which it was, of course.

"So, wanna help me?" The hazel eyed boy asked Kendall with a hopeful look.

Kendall sighed, "Yeah, sure. Whatever." He replied quietly, standing up from his seat. James's smile grew even wider and he happily bounced on the balls of his feet. He was ecstatic that Kendall had agreed to hang out with him, they hadn't spent any time together in the past two weeks it felt like.

It was awkwardly silent on the way back up to apartment 2J and James was starting to wonder if his plan was a good idea or not.

"So. You wrote a song?" Kendall asked nonchalantly, face free of emotions.

James opened the apartment door, "Uh… Well. I didn't really write the song myself, actually… I didn't write the song at all. But I learned the song! And uh.. I want you to see if I did it right." He sheepishly confessed, blushing.

Kendall raised an eyebrow, obviously not pleased with James's confession. James's eyes shifted around uneasily, aware that Kendall wasn't happy with him. The two entered the apartment taking seats on their over stuffed orange couch.

"Well, let's hear it." Kendall's monotone voice was starting to bother James. He hated feeling like he wasn't worth Kendall's time, and that's exactly how Kendall was making him feel. The look on James's face was obvious to read, he was hurt and upset.

James drew in a long breath after sucking up his feelings and started playing the guitar.

Kendall immediately knew what song James was playing when he heard the first three chords.

"Uh… James, you are uh- playing great! You're playing great, good job! But uh, I gotta go! I uhm… Have to go to the store for mom! Later!" Kendall exclaimed rushing out of the apartment. James sat on the couch in shock, guitar still in hands.

'_Y-you're kidding right? You've got to be fucking kidding. This… Did he really just rush out of this fucking apartment because I was playing that song for him? Ugh! I know Kendall is really bad at showing emotions because he's always trying to be so strong for everyone, but come on! It's rude to just run out on someone while they're playing a song for you that they spent countless hours learning. Fucking douche.' _James thought to himself angrily. He found it incredibly rude of Kendall to just run out on him like that.

'_He's my best friend, I just… Why is he continuously running away from me? What did I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?' _James made his way into the bathroom after setting the guitar down and looked at himself in the mirror.

'_I see no visible flaws! And I really don't think that there's something wrong with my personality. I mean, everyone loves me.'_ The brunette smirked to himself in the mirror. He stared a few seconds later and gasped in shock.

'_Wh-what is that? Is.. Is that a bump in my nose! N-no, it can't be. I, am perfect.'_ He was beginning to panic now. He let out a small yelp and ran out of the bathroom, he no longer wanted to concentrate on his face long enough to pick out the flaws that weren't noticeable at all.

"I just, I need to get out for a while. Get some fresh air! Maybe Carlos will want to hang out." James said aloud to the eerily silent apartment.

"Man, Carlos, this is seriously the best corn dog that I've had in my whole life!" The boy stated reveling in the deliciousness that was his corn dog.

"Right?" The shorter boy laughed taking a bit of his snack. "They're so good!" He replied putting an emphasis on 'so'. "I don't really like telling people about this place though, I want to keep it all to myself." Carlos smiled looking longingly at his corn dog.

The two walked in silence eating for a few moments before Carlos started talking again.

"James… I think I'm in love." Carlos commented dreamily, staring, yet again, at his corn dog.

James gave his friend an awkward look and laughed. "Shut up, dude." He replied rolling his eyes with a smirk as he playfully shoved his friend.

"What?" Carlos squeaked laughing. "If it were legal to marry food, I would be marrying this corn dog right now. No, no. I would have married this corn dog three months ago when I first found out about that place." He confessed, not caring how ridiculous he sounded.

"Carlos, you sound stupid. Stop it, stop it now." The tall boy laughed. He adored Carlos and his sense of humor and how he absolutely did not care what people thought of him.

"Well it's true! I just love it so much that I don't care how stupid I sound. Don't you love something so much that you don't care how stupid you sound talking about it?" His friend questioned.

James walked in silence before answering. "Yeah… I do." James could barely feel the people rushing past him on the busy L.A. street as images of Kendall popped into his mind.

"What is it?"

"Huh?" His friends question brought him back to earth.

"Man you've been really spacey lately, what's with you? And I was asking what the thing that you love is!" Carlos asked, a sweet friendly smile on his face.

"K- Uh, my lucky comb of course!" James scoffed, albeit his heart was pounding in his chest from what could have been a horrible slip up.

'_I don't even like that lucky comb… Not as much as I like Kendall, at least.' He thought, afraid to say anything else._


	4. I Don't Like Blondes

"Since you guys have just moved to California, have you guys gone sight seeing? If so, what is your favorite place in California so far?" The interviewer asked the boys.

"I love the Red Wood forest so much! It sounds so nerdy, but I just love it there." Logan replied with a smile.

"I am definitely diggin' all the beaches." Carlos laughed, implying that he only liked it for the girls.

"Uh, I don't know, to be honest. I really love the mountains. We all took a road trip a few hours away and went snowboarding and skiing, it was like Minnesota.. But not." Kendall joked with a smile.

"This is probably the lamest answer, but I love the Golden Gate Bridge. I have this weird fascination with bridges and how they're constructed and how beautiful they are, and I definitely love the Golden Gate Bridge. I think it might be one of my favorite places in this country, that I've been too, so far." James replied with a smile, slightly blushing at what he thought was his ridiculous answer.

"Alright, last question." The blond girl smiled. Big Time Rush were up bright and early and at a radio station doing their very first interview.

"Who is everyone closest with? Like, do Carlos and Logan get along the best or?" She asked. The boys gave a few weak laughs.

"Uh well… I would have to say that I'm definitely closest with Logan. While I do love doing crazy stunts with Carlos, I'm almost always trying to get him to not kill himself with Logan." Kendall replied to the question with a laugh.

'_Did he just completely leave me out of that question or am I over-analyzing this?'_ James furrowed his brows.

"I would have to agree with my buddy Kendall here." Logan commented laughing.

James chuckled, "I think I get along best with Carlos. I love Logan and Kendall and we're all best friends and we all get along wonderfully, but I'm always up to do any crazy stunt with Carlos." He smiled trying to ignore Kendall's reply to the question.

Carlos looked at his friend and gave him a giant smile. "Wow, thanks buddy. I agree with James! We're always doing crazy ridiculous stunts and he's always by my side when I'm getting into trouble. I mean, unless it involves messing up his hair." Everyone joined in the laughter.

"Oh no, can't mess up the hair, it's so perfect." The interviewer, Rachel, commented giving James a flirtatious smile.

"No, but uh, yeah. I'm really close with James." He finished. James could have **sworn** that he saw a hint of jealousy on Kendall's face when he and Carlos talked about being close and when Rachel was smiling at him, but he wasn't sure.

'_Probably just over-analyzing it again.'_ He thought to himself with a silent sigh.

"Alright guys, thank you for getting up soooo early to be with us this morning! We, and the listeners of course, greatly appreciate it!" The blond smiled once again. "Now, can you say goodbye for everyone?" She asked politely.

"Of course!" Carlos shouted happily. "I'm Carlos Garcia."

"I'm Logan Mitchell."

"Kendall Knight."

"And I'm James Diamond."

"And we're Big Time Rush! Saying thank you for joining us this morning on B93.7!" All of the boys said in unison with smiles. No matter what they were going through in their personal lives, the boys always loved doing interviews and were always all smiles. Big Time Rush still weren't getting a lot of press at that time, so any interviews were always fun.

"Thank you guys so much for doing the interview." Rachel came up to them outside in the building's hallway.

"Oh no problem, thank you for having us." Logan replied for his friends. All Rachel could do was give Logan a weak smile while giving James a flirtatious look.

'_The one time I notice someone, anyone, flirting with me in weeks and I don't even care. What is wrong with me? This is all fucking Kendall's fault. I blame Kendall. From now on I'm just going to blame Kendall for all of my misfortunes… Okay, that's not really fair, but whatever.'_ James thought giving the blond a weak smile, trying to show her that he wasn't interested, but she didn't get the message.

"So, you play hockey, huh?" She asked making her way over to him. James looked towards his friends for help but they were already making their way around the corner to explore the building.

"Uh, yeah. Do you play any sports?" James asked trying to sound interested.

"I was in gymnastics for ten years, so I guess you can say that I'm fairly flexible." Rachel gave him a sexy smirk.

'_This is so awkward! I don't even like girls, sweet baby Jesus. I mean… I'm fairly sure that I don't like girls. They have soft lips, but their delicate hands are nothing compared to the roughness of a guy's hands…' _He thought to himself, remembering the few guys that he had the chance to have his way with before leaving for L.A.

"Gymnastics? That's awesome! Look, uh, I have to go find my friends because we have other things to do. Okay bye now!" James flashed her his infamous knee-buckling, heart melting smile and walked off in the directions of his friends. He could hear a slightly irritated sigh behind him but he ignored it. He wasn't trying to be rude, he just found it completely awkward that someone he wasn't attracted to was hitting on him. It happened quite often after he hit puberty, but his friends were normally around to help save him. He never had to deal with it on his own.

"Thanks for leaving me hanging back there, douche bags." James stated out of breath from running to catch up with the three other boys.

"Sorry buddy, but she sure did look interested." Carlos smirked to the taller boy.

James rolled his eyes. "Well, she's not my type. I- don't like blondes." He stated.

'_I like sandy blondes.'_

"_Well it looks like you got away, so no need to worry about it now." Logan said. They were making their out of the building and to their limo that would take them back to the Palmwood's. They only had that one interview for the day._

"_Who wants to go the pool when we get back?" Carlos asked in the limo._

"_Sure, I'll go." Kendall replied with a shrug._

"_I would, but I have to study for the math test that we have coming up." Logan replied with a sorry look on his face._

"_Awh come on, you study all the time! Take a break for once." Carlos reiterated, as if he was annoyed that his friend was going to ditch him to study._

"_I'd love to Carlos, but you don't get into Harvard by going swimming instead of studying, sorry buddy." Logan stated with a shrug._

_James was looking back and forth between his friends, observing them. "I'll go with you!" He commented with a smile. For the first time in weeks he didn't even think that this would be a perfect time to hang out with Kendall. He found it to be a perfect time to hang out with his best friends, excluding Logan._

"_Sweet!" The short tan boy shouted happily with a large grin plastered on his face._

"_Actually, uh I have to help Camille rehearse for a role!" Kendall said quickly._

"_Dude, no. You're lying, shut up. You're hanging out with James and I at the pool today, deal with it." Kendall's friend shot him a glance that basically said 'Don't Mess With Me, I Know You're Lying, Don't Lie To Me'. Kendall gave him an apologetic look and kept his mouth shut._

_The four boys made their way up to apartment 2J and everyone except Logan got dressed in their swimwear. _

"_Let's go!" Carlos shouted happily leading the way down to the Palmwood's pool. The two taller boys followed their shorter friend down to the pool._


	5. You Disgust Me

**A/N: Sorry it took me a few days to update! I was over at a friend's house and I didn't have my story with me or anything, so yeah. But, I'm hoping that this makes sense to everyone! I feel like this chapter is just really fast, but it all makes sense in my head hahah. And I'm sorry that it's so long! Buuut I don't think anyone is going to mind ;P**

A few days had passes since Kendall, Carlos, and James all hung out at the pool and things seemed to getting better between Kendall and James. At least, that's what James thought.

"James, can I please just borrow your blow dryer? I want to go for a walk but it's freezing outside and my hair is still wet from my shower." The blond asked his brunette friend.

"Dude… That thing is like my baby, I don't want anyone using it." James replied sheepishly.

'_It's not that I don't want you using it, I just… I care about it so much and I don't want you accidentally breaking it or anything! Like back in Minnesota when Carlos promised he wouldn't break my blow dryer and then dropped it in the toilet not even five minutes later.'_ Was the thought that backed up his statement.

"Fuck you're selfish." Kendall stated angrily, stalking out of the bathroom.

The two were alone in apartment 2J that night. Mama Knight and Katie had gone to San Diego for the weekend and Carlos and Logan were going to be out late going to a movie and bowling. Kendall stayed back because he had a project to work on and James stayed because he wasn't feeling too hot. There was a random weather change the day before, where it was freezing cold and raining randomly, and James's body wasn't dealing with it so well.

"I am not! I just don't want you to break it. I trust you, I just… After what happened last time with Carlos…" James said quietly, not wanting to start a fight.

"But I'm not Carlos and you know that! And you are too selfish, you've always been selfish." Even though they were arguing, the two boys were finally starting to communicate a little more the past few days. They would have moments where they were civil, or laughed at each other's jokes, but they mostly argued. James as convinced it was the sexual tension. He, obviously, wasn't one hundred percent sure, but he knew sexual tensions when he saw it. He could have sworn that he saw Kendall eyeing him in a hungry fashion, but again, he wasn't sure. He never stared long enough to decipher Kendall's looks.

James got irritated at Kendall's comment. Normally he wouldn't have let it get to him, but he was sick and whenever he was sick, he got irritated easily.

"Oh, so I was being selfish when I beat the shit out of that kid in third grade for making fun of the bump in your nose? I was being selfish whenever in middle school and high school a girl would hit on me and try to fuck me but I would send her over to you because I knew that you two would make a great couple? And oh, you two normally did make a great couple. So you're welcome for ninety eight percent of your middle school and high school relationships. I guess I was also selfish when I gave you my prized hockey stick after yours was stolen, when no one else would give you theirs and you couldn't afford to buy another one, and then you broke it and I didn't even get mad. I guess I was also being selfish when you and your mom got into a huge fight a few years back and I let you stay at my house, I made you dinner every night, and I let you borrow my clothes. Was I also selfish when I being protective over Katie when she went on her first day when you were too busy with your own shit, talk about selfish there. She's ten Kendall and she was going on a date! Who lets their ten year old sister go on dates? Selfless people I suppose, since I'm the only selfish person here." James ranted, face turning a pinkish red color.

Kendall glared at his friend. "How many times, out of the ten years that we've known each other, was that you not being selfish? Lemme think, oh hardly enough to make a dent!" The blond shouted, angrily.

"Let me list off all the times that you have been selfish, so I can make my point and you can get it through your heard! Remember when Carlos broke his arm and while we were all at the hospital wondering if he was okay and you were worrying about him taking all the attention from the girls at school away from you? Remember when we first met and I became the star of the team and you were constantly tripping me and making it look like an accident so I looked like a bumbling idiot? Remember when you got Logan in trouble at school for helping you cheat on a test and you didn't even care that he got an F on the test? You only cared about the two weeks of detention that you had and how it would affect your girl time after school. But, oh wait, you basically acted selfish then as well because you decided that you didn't give a fuck because being in detention would make you look cooler! Which it didn't, by the way. It made you look like a fucking dumb ass because you got caught cheating in Mr. Riggle's class. Who does that! The man is half blind and he's decrepit!" Kendall spewed.

James as obviously hurt by his accusations, tears on the verge of falling onto his cheeks.

'_He's acting as if this friendship means fucking nothing! Like it's alright to stand there and bash your friend. We used to be so close… And now all we do is fight. And that's if I get luck y enough to even talk to him. I've never lost a friend before. I've never felt the empty feeling that it leaves you. It's like breaking up with someone, but worse. Because friends mean so much more than a significant other. Kendall and I used to be inseparable, and now? It's like we don't even know each other. It feels like we've drifted so far apart in the past few weeks that we aren't even friends anymore. I honestly don't even think Kendall sees me as a friend…'_ James stifled back his tears.

"And seriously? You need to stop hitting on me or seducing me or whatever the fuck it is that you're doing. Trying to play me 'I Want To Hold Your Hand'? Dude, that's fucking creepy!" Kendall added to his rampage.

"Fuck, Kendall! It's like you don't even care anymore, about this friendship! We haven't had an actual conversation in like two weeks! All we do is fucking argue!" Was all James could shout back.

"I never said I didn't care, James! I just.. Fuck, you're so goddamn frustrating sometimes! It's like everything always has to be about you!" Kendall exclaimed, no longer yelling. He honestly could not figure out what was happening to his and James's friendship.

"I'm the frustrating one! I never know what's going on with you anymore! If anyone here is frustrating, it's you!" James said back, glaring.

James finally got to take in Kendall. He was breathing heavily, chest visibly moving up and down, the veins in his neck and arms visible, as though they were trying to pop out of his skin, he looked sweaty, his wet hair clung to the side of his face, and his eyes… His eyes looked a fierce dark green, so much anger in them. So much more anger than James had ever seen in them before.

'_Why is Kendall so goddamn hot when he's mad! What is wrong with me!' _James mentally slapped himself for thinking of something like that at a time like this.

Kendall stalked closer to his friend, glaringly darkly.

"Wh-what are you doing?" James asked, voice shaking. He was terrified that Kendall was going to hit him, he wasn't ready to have another fight with his friend.

Before James could take in what was happening he was up against the living room wall and Kendall's body was pressed against his. He could feel Kendall's heaving chest as if it were his own. Kendall rested his forehead on James's collar bone.

"I can't fucking do this anymore." Kendall mumbled.

"What?" James asked, not hearing what his friend had said, voice still shaking. James felt his heart beat faster and faster, he had never been so close to Kendall before. And to be honest, it was kind of turning him on.

"Shut up, James. Just shut up." Kendall shakily laughed, head shaking back and forth, buried into James's collar bone. James obeyed and kept his mouth shut.

Kendall pulled up his right hand and ran it through James's hair while keeping his left hand on James's hip bone. The blond started kissing his friend's collar bone, hard kisses. Full of want, need, desire, passion. His lips moved his way up to James's neck, then his ear where Kendall spent his time nibbling on the brunette's lobe. James let out a small moan and closed his eyes, letting himself revel in the ecstasy. Kendall licked along James's strong jaw line and kissed him hard on the mouth. The two boys' teeth clashed together, but neither of them seemed to care. They were to into the moment.

"Fuck I've wanted this for so long." Kendall murmured in a low husky voice as he pulled away from James's lips.

"K-Ken-Kendall. I-" James tried to stammer.

"Shhh. Just be quite Jamie, please." Kendall answered in his husky voice. James went weak in the knees.

'_Good God this is hot! What is even going on right now? Is this really happening or is this some sort of fucked up dream that I'm having? Oh God, I hope it's not a dream.'_

Kendall moved his leg between James's and smirked when he felt James against his thigh. Kendall hastily moved to rip James's shirt off. His friend quickly came to his aid and helped him take his shirt off, then proceeded to work on Kendall's shirt, which came off quicker than they both expected. Kendall ran his hand over James's hard, tanned stomach and shivered against him. The green eyed boy looked James's stomach over and started nibbling at his collar bone, no longer able to control himself, growling from deep inside his throat. The taller boy shook uncontrollably under his friend's gaze and moaned. The blond made his way from James's collar bone down to his chest, kneeled down towards his belly button and stopped just above his pants.

"K-" James started.

"Jamie, shhh." The blond hushed his friend as he undid his pants and pulled them down around his ankles, boxers included.

As Kendall took James fully into his mouth James let out a moan that he had never before let out in his life. James could feel his friend smirking at his reaction, but he didn't care. He didn't care at all about anything. All he cared about was that he was doing something intimate and passionate with the boy that he had been in love with for the majority of his life.

Kendall could taste James's pre-cum as he swirled his tongue around his friend's head, moving James's dick in and out of his mouth."K-Kenny…" James moaned.

"Jamie…" Kendall spoke softly, his mouth leaving James. He stood up and gazed into James's eyes. "I told you to shut up." He stated simply, nibbling at James's neck.

"Bu-" Was all James could get out before Kendall put his finger over his lips, signaling for him to keep quiet. Kendall took James's hand and led him to the coach, leaving his pants and boxers in the dust.

'_Jesus, my heart feels like it's going to break out of my sternum!' James quickly thought as his heart thudded in his chest as Kendall pushed him against the apartment coach._

"_You know, Jamie, you really fucking pissed me off earlier. And you, of all people, should know how I get when I'm pissed off." Kendall growled climbing on top of his best friend. The blond pressed himself against the brunette, making him shudder._

_Within seconds Kendall was quickly ripping off his own pants._

"_Told Logan it wasn't weird to carry a condom around, fucking never listens to me." Kendall breathed out harshly. James's eyes grew wide._

"_W-What? A condom?" He choked out._

"_What? Do you not want to have sex? I thought that this is what you were after for the past month." Kendall hissed with a glare._

"_N-no, I do!"_

"_Then shut up."_

_Kendall quickly tore the condom out of its wrapper and slid it on. James's heart was pounding so fast he honestly thought that Kendall could hear him. Before James could think twice about anything Kendall was sliding himself into him. James's pupils dilated with ecstasy and he sharply sucked in a breath, letting out with a moan as Kendall immediately hit his prostate. The look on Kendall's face was a mix of anger and lust. A moment passed before Kendall started pounding into James's ass, hard and fast. _

"_Oh f-fuck, Kendall!" James shout out as he closed his eyes reveling in the extremely hot and angry sex that he was having with Kendall. Never in a million years did James think he would ever be having sex with his best friend._

"_F-fucking shut up!" Kendall hissed at James, pulling him closer, pounding into him harder, knocking the wind out of him with each thrust. James couldn't help but notice Kendall's appearance. He hair was damp with both shower water and sweat that clung to his face, every muscle in his body was moving, veings in his arms and necks protruding, James could feel the pool of sweat starting to form in the dip of Kendall's back as he held on. Kendall was grabbing onto James's hip bones roughly, which was going to leave ugly black and blue bruises. But James wasn't think about that, and he wouldn't care about it later. With a few more thrusts, both of the boys are done, James having finished moments before Kendall. The blond looked down at his friend's toned stomach, which was now covered in his white sticky release, in what looked like disgust. James laid on the couch, covered in sweat as Kendall pulled out of him and quickly disposed of the used condom._

_As Kendall zipped his jean's up he looked at his friend, eyes glowering, "Go clean yourself up." He said in the harshest tone imaginable._

_James was taken aback with what Kendall had said. "What?" He asked._

"_You heard me, go clean yourself up." Kendall spat. "You disgust me." The blond murmured under his breath, pulling his shirt on._

"…_Di-… Did you just say that I disgust you?" But before James could receive an answer, his friend was already out of the apartment._


	6. Scouts Honor

James didn't get a wink of sleep that night. The scene of the previous day continuously playing in his mind, especially what Kendall said to him afterwards. And the fact that Kendall pretended like he basically didn't exist for the rest of the day. James had never been treated so horribly before in his life.

'_I… I really don't understand. I'm honestly trying to see where Kendall thinks he can get off doing that and just… I don't understand. I lose my best friend, and then we have angry sex, and… he acts like I don't even exist. It's like I'm invisible. Like I mean nothing to him. Like the past ten years mean absolutely nothing. I just wanted to show him that I loved him. I didn't want him to use me. I'm not his whore. This is the worst fucking feeling in the world. Worse than when Mom and Dad got divorced. To be with someone everyday for ten years and then… It all just stops. It all just comes crashing down. And then you have no one to lean on because your other two friends don't believe you, and the other one is the one ignoring you. I have no fucking friends. I have no fucking life.'_ James's face was flooded with tears as he laid in bed that morning. He had been crying all night thinking about Kendall and their crumbling friendship. James had never felt so low before in his life and he had no one to turn to.

The apartment had been quiet except for now, James heard the door open and close.

"Hello?" He heard an uncertain voice from the living room, he could tell it was Kendall.

'_I have to fucking talk to him… It's now or never.'_ James quickly rushed out of bed and out of his shared room.

"Kendall! We have to talk." He stated sternly. Kendall cocked an eyebrow at him as though he didn't know what his friend was talking about.

"What the fuck happened yesterday?" James asked glaring at the green eyed boy.

Kendall looked at him with an expressionless look. "I don't know what you're talking about." His voice was monotone.

The tan boy gave his friend a look as though he was crazy. "What the fuck are you talking about? You know damn well what I'm talking about, and we're going to talk about it! You can't just treat me like I'm nothing but the dirt on your shoe and then fuck my brains out and then pretend like it never happened! W-why did you even do that?" James was completely dumbfounded.

Kendall sighed, resting his arm on the kitchen's bar. "Look, James. Yesterday… it doesn't mean anything now. Got it? It was a complete mistake that will never happen again. And we're going to pretend as though it never happened, because it should have never happened. That's all I'm going to say about this." Kendall replied.

"N-n-no! No! We are not going to pretend that it never happened! It happened! And we're going to talk about it!" James shouted, red in the face.

Kendall sighed, slowly this time. "James… Yes we are. Because I refuse to talk to you about it, and if you mention it to anyone I will deny it. And y'know what? Everyone will believe me because you have a tendency to exaggerate things."

"God I fucking hate you." Slipped through James's mouth. He didn't mean to say it, because no matter how mad he was, he could never actually hate his friends. But, Kendall seemed completely unfazed by his friend's comment. James watched as he friend made his way to the bathroom to grab his sunglasses and left.

"Did that really just happen? Is this fucking real? This has to be a dream. This shit cannot be happening." James thought out loud in the empty apartment. He sat on a bar stool, put his head in his hands, and started crying again.

A week had passed since James's intimate encounter with Kendall and the two were completely avoiding each other. James was tired. He was tired of being emotionally drained because of his friend and he was tired of his friend ignoring him. He was losing his luster for life and basically gave up. Carlos and Logan were also starting to notice that something wasn't wrong.

"James, can you go get my history book from Kendall please?" Logan had asked his friend.

"Hmm? Kendall who?" James asked with a glum expression on his face.

Logan gave his friend a quizzical look. "Are you doing alright, buddy? And why did you just ask 'Kendall who'?"

"I'm fine. And I don't know what you're talking about." James replied nonchalantly.

Logan was not done questioning his friend, he wanted to get down to the bottom of what was going on. "Seriously James, you can tell me."

"I tried telling you! You told me that I was being paranoid. I told you that Kendall was ignoring me and you told me not to worry about it. It's been a month Logan, we've barely spoken. And the only time we have talked, we weren't even talking… We were arguing and yelling at each other." James confessed.

"I haven't noticed. A while ago you two seemed to be getting along. You were talking and laugh at each other's jokes. I mean.. I just really don't think Kendall would be ignoring you, you're his best friend." Logan stated.

"Not anymore." James said quietly before walking away to his room.

James spent the next three days moping around, avoiding his friends, trying his best while at the studio which really just resulted in Gustavo chewing him out for being depressed and sending him home. James felt like he had nothing left to live for.

"Hey Logan." The tall brunette sighed seating next to his friend on the same couch that he and Kendall had recently desecrated.

"Hey buddy!" Logan smiled at his friend, trying to cheer him up. They were the only two in the apartment that day. Mrs. Knight was out trying to find a job, Katie was at the Palmwood's pool, Carlos was on a date with Stephanie, and Kendall was no where to be known.

"So uh… What'-" James was cut off by the apartment door slamming open. Kendall stood in the doorway looking like he either had a cold or he had been crying for hours. The two teenage boys on the couch swung their heads to look at him and gave him an odd look.

"James, leave."

"Wait, what?" James was taken aback by Kendall's harsh tone.

"Leave. I need to talk to Logan." James rolled his eyes as he got up from the couch and left the apartment. The last thing James heard before existing 2J came from Kendall and it was, "Logie.. I have something really important to tell you."

'_Alright… He couldn't possibly be telling Logan what we did. He swore he would never talk about it.'_ James thought making his way off of the Palmwood's lot to get a Jamba Juice. He really did want to stay in the hallway and listen to what Kendall had to say to Logan, but he felt awful listening in on them. James could be self centered and selfish, but he would never eavesdrop on his friends.

'_What could he possibly be telling him? Could it be about Jo? No… At least I don't think it could be about Jo. Ahh! This is going to eat at me until I figure out what they're talking about! And that was so rude! Kicking me out of the apartment like that.. Ugh, whatever. I wonder when I can go back…'_

"One Razzmatazz, please." James said with a smile to the cashier. James always found himself getting places faster when he thought about things. James sat in silence with his Jamba Juice for what felt like hours when he finally received a text from Logan telling him that it was alright to return back to the apartment.

'_The hell is going on? I should not be kicked out of the apartment and then be told when it's safe to go back. This is all so fucked up!'_ James thought to himself with an intense look on his face.

'_Fuck this shit, I'm going back to give Logan and Kendall a piece of my mind.'_ James made his way to the Palmwood's lot and up to apartment 2J. James pushed the door open and quickly scanned the room, to only find Logan sitting at the kitchen table with a math book open in front of him.

"Hey, come sit down." Logan said to his friend with a pleading look in his eyes. James cocked an eyebrow at him and hesitantly sat down across the table from his friend.

"Is anyone here?"

"I think Carlos was here using the restroom, but I think he left. I don't remember, I was busy doing homework. Look, we have to talk."

James gave Logan a confused look.

"Buddy, you just… What you've been doing to Kendall? Trying to show him that you have feelings for him? You just gotta stop. I know you love him James, Jenny Tinkler told me that you used to tell her all the time in middle school-"

"That bitch." James mumbled under his breath. It was impossible to trust Jenny with anything.

"But… Kendall doesn't feel the same way about you and.. It's pointless. You have to forget about him, dude. I know you two haven't really been talking to each other lately and I really don't think you should let this ruin your guys' friendship. Just… Don't hit on him anymore." Logan was always bad at trying to tell his friends to stop doing something. His thoughts were scattered and he sometimes didn't make sense.

James looked into Logan's eyes with a sad look on his face. "Trust me, I won't hit on him anymore."

'_I need to get the hell out of here. I need to get away for at least a few hours. Maybe Gustavo needs me to record something.. Or.. I dunno.' James thought as he stood up and walked out of the apartment. Seconds later Carlos walked out of the bathroom with a curious expression on his face._

"_Hey Logan, what's up with Kendall and James? Y'know, what you were just talking to James about. Kendall loves when people hit on him, why doesn't he want James hitting on him?" He questioned. Logan knew he shouldn't have said anything._

"_Sit down buddy, I'll tell you. You just gotta keep it to yourself."_

"_Promise I won't tell anyone. Scouts honor."_


	7. Can I Get A Rewind Button?

"Alright. That's it. I'm going to talk to Logan. I don't see why he had to tell me to stay away from Kendall instead of Kendall doing it himself." James said to himself as he looked into the mirror that was in his and Carlos's shared room. The conversation he had with Logan yesterday had yet to leave his mind but the only thing that bothered him about it was that Kendall made Logan talk to him.

The only three in the apartment were Logan, Carlos, and James himself. Katie and Mama Knight had gone out for the day and James, again, didn't know where Kendall was. He wasn't keeping tabs on him anymore.

James made his way down the hall and to Logan and Kendall's shared room where Logan was getting dressed to hang out with Camille, who had been feeling down due to Jo being gone.

"Logan! We need to talk." '_God there's been a lot of talking going on lately.' _James couldn't help but realize.

"Sure thing dude. What's up?" Logan asked wondering what his friend wanted to talk about.

James inhaled deeply before starting. "Logan… Why did you talk to me instead of Kendall? Obviously when I left he told you to tell me whatever, so… Why didn't he just tell me? It actually really hurts that he didn't have the decency to tell me himself!" He started

"Uh.. Ja-"

"I'm not done! I feel like he doesn't care about this friendship anymore! I mean, making you talk to me about it instead of himself. It also shows that he's a coward! Too scared to talk to someone who used to be your best friend? Pfft. Honestly."

"J-"

"Still not done!

"James! Listen to me!" James immediately stopped talking, an almost hurt look on his face. "Look… Kendall… He has his reasons, okay?" Logan replied quietly.

"What reason is good enough to do something like this? We aren't in grade school anymore! We're practically adults!" James shouted angrily. His feelings had never been hurt this bad and he wasn't going to pretend like it didn't matter anymore.

"Dude, just stop."

"No! Kendall had no right doing that! We used to be best friends! I mean… I like to think that we still are best friends, but with everything going on… I wouldn't even call us friends anymore. And to have him do that, I just. It fucking hurts! A-a-and he's such a girl! A girl who's too afraid to talk to someone about something so simple!" '_I honestly don't see why Kendall couldn't talk to me himself. I wouldn't have beaten the shit out of him for it or anything. If he wanted to tell me something, he should have just told me. Fuck.'_

Carlos sat from the couch watching his friends argue with tears flooding his eyes. Yeah, he could be violent towards them, but he could never be verbally violent towards his friends. And he hated when his friends argued or fought like James and Logan were doing now.

"Guys, stop fighting." The short brunette piped up with a sad expression on his face.

"Carlos, stay out of this. This has nothing to do with you buddy. I mean, tell me this Logan, why couldn't Kendall tell me himself?" James asked angrily getting ready to say something else before letting his friend reply. The three boys quickly snapped their heads towards the bathroom when they heard it swing open and hit the hall with an intense force.

Kendall stood in the doorway with an angry look. "Do you really fucking want to know why I couldn't tell you James?" He shouted, stalking his way over to his friend.

"Yeah, I would really fucking like you to elaborate Kendall." James replied staring his friend down. James was pissed at this point and wasn't going to let anything scare him or stop him from getting Kendall's side of the story.

'_This shit ends fucking now._'

"I was fine with you dropping hints that you had feelings for me or even slightly hitting on me. It fucking creeped me out, but I could deal with it. I wasn't going to let it get in the way of our friendship, because I fucking care about you. But when we kissed and your flirting got worse… I just couldn't take it! And I'm sure you'd like to know why, so here you have it! My fucking life story that I've never told you. After Katie was born… My dad left. He left my mom, divorced her… Didn't want custody of me or Katie. Do you know why he left? He left her for another guy! He left my mom, three month old Katie, myself, and everything for some fucking guy! A guy! I was only seven, I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I just knew that my family or I weren't good enough to suit my father's stupid fucking needs. That was also when my dad left Wisconsin to Minnesota. He fucking moved to get away from my mom and be with that… that… faggot! My faggot father left to be with his faggot boyfriend! My mom was so fucking devastated.. I heard her stay up at nights crying. So, we left Wisconsin as well. We left Wisconsin to Minnesota so my mom could try to get my asshole dad back. So we moved to Minnesota and my mom spends months trying to get my dad back… But it obviously didn't work. After the move we were completely broke, we had to live out of a motel because my mom couldn't get a job and we didn't have any money to move back. No one in my family wanted to help… They thought that we were some kind of embarrassment because of my dad." Tears were now streaming down Kendall's face."A-about half a year later when my dad realized that we weren't leaving Minnesota he left for New York… He didn't want anything to do with us. Do you know what it's like having your dad not want anything to do with you at only seven years old? It fucking hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. It's an unimaginable pain, James. James. It hurts so fucking bad. I didn't know what was wrong with me. My mom constantly stayed up with me at nights when I couldn't stop crying because I thought it was my fault, telling me that it wasn't my fault. I thought that I was a bad son and that that was why he left us for some guy. We haven't talked in ten years…. He hasn't called for Christmas or even my birthday." Kendall was no longer shouting now. His eyes were puffy from crying.

"Ke-"

"That's why I had Logan tell you to leave me alone instead of myself. It's so fucking embarrassing having your dad leave you for another guy."

"But Kendall… We're best friends, you could have told me!" James exclaimed, an almost hopeless expression on his face.

"It's not that easy James! Do you know how embarrassing that is! To have all of that happen to you! Fuck… I just want to go home… I just want to go home when everything was normal, my dad hadn't left us for another guy… When everything was just normal and perfect…"

"Kendall.."

"James… Just shut up, please." Kendall looked as though he was getting mad again.

"Guys! James, Kendall. Please stop fighting. That's all you've been doing." Carlos cut in with a stern tone in his voice. He was done with his friends arguing. Kendall and James looked over at their friend.

"Seriously! James is right, you two are best friends - we're all best friends. Stop fighting! Look, James. You - you are fucking stupid for continuously going after Kendall even though he showed that he doesn't have feelings for you. And Kendall, you're just as fucking stupid. Having that happen really sucks, yeah, but it shouldn't make you so homophobic. And you know, liking guys isn't a bad thing. I mean, look at James. He's made out with tons of guys before and.. Done more things I'm sure, but he's not a bad person is he? And if you ever have feelings for some dude, that's fine! It's not going to turn you into an asshole like your dad. You'll still be the same old Kendall. Please, realize this and stop your stupid arguing. I've had enough of it!" Carlos shouted. "Now, Logan. Would you like to go get some amazing corn dogs with me?" He asked Logan casually as though he hadn't just chewed his other two friends out.

Logan looked around uneasily and nodded. "Uh.. Yeah, sure."

"We're leaving, so you two better make up. Because if I hear or see anymore arguing between you two, I will not hesitate to punch you in the mouth." Carlos stated before leaving 2J with Logan. Both James and Kendall watched their two friends leave in shock. Neither of them had expected Carlos to put his two sense in, nor had they expected him to rant to them.

"Carlos is right…" James said quietly after the two had left, all Kendall could do was look down in shame and nod in agreement."But, I really do have feelings for you Kendall." James blurted. '_Fuuuuuuck, why did I say that? I didn't mean for that to come out! Can I get a rewind button?'_ James thought to himself with wide eyes. Of course he was thinking it, he just hadn't wanted it to come out of his mouth.

Kendall glared at his friend, God he had a horrible temper. "James! I just told you that I have issues with this, why are you telling me that you love me! Everything is still, and probably always will be, about you! Give me some time to deal with this!"

"K-Kendall! I'm sorry! I didn't…"

"Whatever, James." Kendall stormed out of the apartment leaving James by himself.

'_I'm so fucking dumb! That was just so random and… Why did it come out of my mouth! Everything was ready to get back to normal and my big fat mouth and stupid brain had to ruin everything. Fuckfuckfuck.'_ The tall brunette sat down in a kitchen chair and stuck his head in his folded arms.


	8. Poor Sport

"No, yeah. Everything has been fine the past few days. When did I last call you? Three days ago? Then that was the last time we argued. Yeah… Yeah, we haven't fought once since then. I actually think our friendship is getting back to normal." The tall brunette smiled into his phone. He had been talk to his dad on the phone for the past hour. James had been telling him everything that happened between he and Kendall, not Kendall's life story, but about the arguing and how everything was finally getting back to normal. The two boys weren't talking all the time, but they hadn't argued in over three days, and they would occasionally crack jokes with each other, although James still did not appreciate the fact that Kendall basically outed himself as a homophobe and used the word 'faggot' more than necessary. He wasn't going to let it get to him now though, he was finally getting his best friend back."Alright dad, I'll talk to you later. Love you!" The boy smiled before hanging his phone up.

"James, we're going to the park, wanna come up with us?" He heard Carlos shout from the living room. James shot up from his bed excitedly.

"Of course!" James replied with a smile from his doorway. The tall boy made his way down the swirly slide and met his three friends in the open space of apartment 2J. The teenage boys made a bunch of jokes and had multiple conversations on the park that was just a few blocks away from the Palmwoods.

"I'm seriously going to whoop your asses." James smirked as he made his way onto the empty basketball court."Pfft, good luck Diamond." Kendall returned the smirk with an additional roll of his eyes.

"I call Carlos!" James shouted placing a hand on the shorter boy's shoulder.

"Oh yeah, you guys have no chance now." Carlos playfully joked with a laugh. Logan rolled his eyes at his friends.

"We so have a chance, and you two are going down." He said in a serious tone.

"It's on." James said in a deep serious tone while cocking an eyebrow.

The four boys played a serious game of basketball until finally James and Carlos prevailed as the winners.

"Ha! I told you that you guys have no chance!" Carlos laughed taking a seat next to his friends on the sidewalk.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Carlos."

"You're just mad that you lost. Don't be a poor sport, Logie." James smirked.

Kendall chuckled at his friend. "If Logie here can't be a poor sport, than you guys can't gloat about winning." Carlos and James glared at his friend knowing full well that Kendall was right.

"We're still better though." Carlos mumbled under his breath as he leaned back to rest his back on the warm grass, Logan and Kendall following him.

James turned around and saw his friends laying down, sweating like pigs. "Are you really laying down right now? Babies. I'm not even close to tired. Let's play another game!" He suggested with a hopeful smile on his face. Besides hockey, basketball was James's favorite sport to play. Kendall sat up to stare at his friend as though he were crazy.

"Another game? James, we just played for the past hour, give us a break. We're not all Superman like you are." He huffed out, having formed a side cramp not long ago.

"Like I said, babies." James repeated himself with a smirk. The boys sat in silence absorbing the scene around them.

It was a beautiful day in L.A. It wasn't too hot, too cold. It was breezy and slightly cloudy. The neighborhood seemed quiet, like everyone was inside, except for the children at the almost vacant playground just a few yards away from the basketball court. The day smelled of smelled of freshly cut grass and sunshine.

"Isn't it dangerous for kids to be playing in the streets?" James asked quietly, finally breaking the silence as he watched a group of five year olds playing in the street in front of them.

"Well… Yeah. But I mean, we used to play street hockey all the time as kids." Carlos replied to his friend's question. All James could do was nod and shrug in agreement.

"No one said it was a smart decision though." Logan added from his spot on the grass. Carlos and Logan shot up from the grass as they heard tires squealing on the four boys turn their heads to the right to see a car veering around the corner.

'_The hell are they in a hurry for? Are those kids going to get out of the way in time?'_ James quickly thought looking back and forth between the car and children. '_Oh, thank God, they moved. W-wait.. What is that kid doing? Is he really running back into the middle of the road to get your ball!' Before James could process what he was doing he was already in the middle of the street shoving the small blond girl out of the way of the car._

"_James!" Kendall screamed from the sidewalk as he witnessed his friend get hit by the car that had been speeding down the road, the three teenage boys rushed to help his friend. _


	9. I Still Look Sexy

"No, officer I told you, the car sped off after it hit James. I didn't get a license plate number, I was too busy worrying about my friend who just got hit by a fucking car." Kendall stated angrily to the police officer. He, Carlos, Logan, Katie, and Mama Knight were all in a hospital waiting room. After the accident Kendall had Logan quickly call for an ambulance. Mama Knight had already called James's family and they were quickly on their way.

"W-we were just sitting there and.. Out of nowhere!" Carlos kept murmuring as tears streamed down his tan face. The three boys had been crying hysterically after what had happened. Logan put a comforting arm around his friend and leaned his head on the other boy.

"It's okay Carlitos… He's going to be fine." Logan whispered trying to console his friend, even though it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself.

"Logan is right… It will be fine. Remember, James is stubborn. He's not going to let anything affect on him living his dream of being famous and having five mansions." Kendall stated quietly walking by over to where his friends and family were.

Katie sniffled and looked at her older brother. "Are you sure he's going to be okay?" She squeaked.

Kendall gave his sister a weak smile, "Of course I'm sure. I know James better than anyone, he's going to be fine."

Hours passed before the five of them got any answers.

"What is taking so long? I want to know if James is going to be okay!" Carlos shouted, finally escaping the silent trance that he had been in since Katie had asked if James was going to be alright.

"Buddy, James was injured pretty badly. That car had to be going at least sixty to seventy miles an hour…" Logan replied hesitantly, he didn't want to upset his friend.

"Where is he! Where is my baby!" Came a shrilled cracking voice. The group looked over and saw Ms. Diamond in tears with Mr. Diamond trailing behind her, looking completely dazed. Ms. Diamond saw the group of five as she frantically looked around and ran over to them.

"Where is he? Is he okay! Where is his doctor!"

"Brooke, we don't know anything yet! He went in hours ago and we have yet to receive any news!" Ms. Knight replied just as frantically as Ms. Diamond was acting.

A half hour passed before a doctor came to talk to them all. He took Mr. and Ms. Diamond aside from the group to talk to them.

"This isn't fair. We've been here for the past four hours, I want to know what's going on." Kendall said firmly staring at the doctor. But before anyone could say anything in reply the blond boy got his answer as he watched Brooke Diamond break down in her ex husband's arms. Ms. Knight took her daughter into her arms as the small girl started crying again.

"What does this mean?" Carlos asked with a pleading look in his eyes.

"Doesn't look good, buddy." Kendall replied with tears welling up in his eyes. Logan sat in stunned silence, not knowing what to do or say. The doctor approached the five of them and sighed.

"Mr. Diamond asked me to come talk to you and inform you as to what is happening with James since you brought him in." He started. "James's outlook… isn't looking good. He was hit fairly hard and the internal damage just can't be fixed. He uh… He only has a few more hours." The doctor said quietly before stepping away.

"No… Mom!" Kendall blurted rushing into his mom's arms as tears streamed down his face.

"James can't die! He just… he can't! Kendall! You said! He's my best friend, he can't just leave! Not yet…" Carlos shouted as tears soaked his face. Logan took him into his arms and the two cried silently into each other's shoulders.

"This isn't right…." Logan choked out as he gripped onto his friend even tighter.

"Guys… We're all g-going to talk to James. We're going to go in first and then you can all take your turns…" Mr. Diamond informed the group sadly before making his way into James's room.

Carlos, Logan, Kendall, Katie, and Ms. Knight sat in the waiting room just… waiting. It was eerily silent, the room was heavy with sadness. It felt like hours had passed before Mr. and Ms. Diamond stepped into waiting room, cueing the other to go say their goodbyes to their friend.

"I want to go first!" Carlos exclaimed once they reached James's room. No one tried to stop him, no one argued.

Carlos walked in and almost burst into tears as he took in the sight of his friend hooked up to multiple tubes and wires.

"James?" He asked shakily, his voice almost cracking. James looked over at his friend and gave him a weak smile.

"Hey Carlitos." James replied quietly.

"James!" The short boy said in a higher tone, running over to his friend. He kneeled next to his friend's bed, grabbing James's hand in his own.

"Don't worry, bud. It's fine." James tried to comfort his friend.

'_Carlos! You can't come in here like that when… all of this is happening! Not fair dude…' _James thought as he held his tears back.

"Jamie… This isn't fair! You can't leave me… leave us. You just.. You can't." The boy cried.

"Way to be selfish, Carlos." James wheezed out, trying to plaster a smirk on his face.

'_I know it's not fair Carlos… I know…'_

Carlos gave his friend a look. "This isn't really the time to be funny, James."

"Isn't it though?"

"God you have a dark sense of humor… I love you dude, I really do." Carlos sighed. "I'm uh… I'm gonna go and send in whoever…"

"I love you too Carlos, I do." James smiled.

'_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, please don't send in Kendall next. I can't deal with Kendall. My mom and dad were hard enough, I just… Fuck.'_

Carlos existed the room in tears and pushed passed everyone trying to make his way to the bathroom. Mama Knight and Katie went in after Carlos and Logan followed after them.

"You're up…" Logan stated quietly to Kendall, his eyes looked empty like he wasn't really there. His body was… But Logan wasn't there.

"It's about damn time I saw you." James sighed. It was getting harder and harder for him to speak, it was obvious that his time was coming.

"God… You look worse than when Logan took all your swag." Kendall replied trying to lighten the mood. His friend rolled his eyes.

'_Of course he'd make a fucking joke in a situation like this. Good ol' Kendall, I suppose.'_

"I still look sexy though, right?" The brunette tried to joke back.

Kendall lightly chuckled at his friend. "Of course."

"Did you just admit that I'm sexy? Does this mean that you're working on your little homophobic problem?" James asked his friend.

"Is that really an appropriate question to ask right now?" The blond questioned with a serious look on his face.

"Is anything really appropriate right now?" The hazel eyed boy retaliated.

"Touché." Kendall replied with a smirk. "Look, James…" James looked at his friend giving him his full attention.

"You can't go." He finally said breaking down. James looked down sadly."This isn't fair! You're only seventeen! You don't even have five mansions yet! What happened to that? You can't just let that dream go, you-you have to achieve that dream! Come on man, be selfish this one time! Don't let this take your life. Just… you have to stay with us, just a little longer. Please, please don't go." Tears were now streaming down James's face.

"Kendall… I'm sorry. I wish I could be selfish this one last time, but… I can't." James gave Kendall one of his infamous James Diamond Knee Buckling smiles. '_Fuck Kendall… You have no idea how badly I want to be selfish right now and keep living, but I… can't.' Kendall could hear James's heart monitor slowing._

"_But Jamie… I love you so much, I do.. I really love you! Not like a friend or a brother… I'm in love with you Jamie, you can't leave me." The heart monitor sounded close to going flat, "You can't leave, I just came to terms with all of this. With my dad leaving… Me being in love with you. Please, don't leave. Please, please… Don't leave… I need more time with you. You can't leave after all of this! Not after everything both of us have been through! This isn't fair!" The room was silent except for the sound of Kendall's sobbing and the now flat heart monitor._

"_No! No, James!" Kendall shouted grabbing onto his friend's hand. Nurses were soon entering the room, escorting Kendall, who was in a hysteria, into the waiting room with his family._


	10. Five Months

**A/N: Hello! This is the last chapter! And I hope you don't hate me after the last chapter! Or after this chapter, ahah. I hope you enjoy!**

"**Jamie… I still can't believe that it's only been five months since you passed away." Kendall started quietly staring down at his friend's grave. "It hurts every moment of every day. It's unfair that you left after I told you that I love you." The blond was in tears now as he kneeled onto the grassy lawn. "I'm sorry for being so selfish. It's just hard. I-I uh… I really hate myself, I do. I know that you wouldn't want me to, but I do. After everything that I did to you,, everything that I put you through for that month, how could I not hate myself? I'm surprised that you didn't hate me. I don't even know why I'm here right now, rambling to you. If you could actually hear me then you'd hear all the nights that I lay awake crying, begging for your forgiveness. This seems so fucking pointless… Fuck I miss you, James. It physically pains me. You were taken away too soon. I don't understand why, either. You were such a good person! You never did anything bad, you didn't hurt people… You were such a beautiful person. I feel like missing a part of me without you. Of course I love Carlos and Logan, but… You are the only person who ever really understood me. You are the only person who saw me at my worst and still forgave me. Carlos and Logie are still mad at me for screaming at you that one day, when I just went crazy, they haven't fully forgiven me. You did though. I honestly didn't deserve to have you as a best friend, I was such an asshole. I don't know, I just fucking hate myself Jamie. And you aren't here to help me not hate myself. You won't ever be here to help me not hate myself."**

**The wind in L.A. was worse than it normally was. It was cloudy, as though it was going to rain. It was only mid-September, Kendall was used to snow by now in Minnesota. Kendall looked around at the empty cemetery.**

"**Did you know that this is my first time visiting since the funeral? Probably… The funeral was the worst. Katie and Carlos could not stop crying and it was like Logan wasn't even there, I had to be strong for all three of them. Did you also know that Carlos has nightmares? I can hear him at night, crying in his sleep, yelling your name and then going silent. All Logan does every day is homework, like before. But it's worse now. That's literally all he does, from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed. I haven't talked to your parents, I'm afraid to. Katie is trying to get over it, I catch her crying to herself sometimes, but… She seems to be holding herself together better than the rest of us. My mom is a mess, you were like a son to her. Everyone misses you, Jamie. So fucking much. I wish there was a way to go back in time and stop this from happening… Fuck, I'm sorry for rambling. I just don't know what I'm doing here." Kendall sat in silence as the wind finally died down. It was silent in the cemetery, Kendall was starting to feel uncomfortable.**

"**I guess what I'm really here for is… closure. I need to know that you forgive me, for everything. Every little thing that I've ever done to hurt you. I need to know that you still love me like I love you. I need to know that everything is going to be okay, James. I need it more than anything right now." Tears were streaming down the blonde's face. Kendall looked up as he heard leaves rustling around him. The wind quickly picked up around him for a good thirty seconds before dying down completely.**

**Kendall looked at his friend's grave and smiled the biggest that he could. "I don't know if that was you or not Jamie, but I'm going to assume it was. I love you…" The green eyed boy said quietly before kissing the tombstone with his cold chapped lips and leaving feeling the best he had in five months.**


End file.
